Unlock Your Positive Persona: Five Transformational Stages

Being negative, being a gossip, telling it like it is, or having a sarcasm based humour you may think does you no harm. In fact it may be what you have based your whole personality around, and found that people like you for it. After all, being direct is the only way to cut through the noise, and you’re only saying what others are thinking but are too afraid to say.

And how often have you heard it said that nice guys finish last?

Being nice or good is boring, in fact the term ‘do-gooder’ is considered to be a negative thing. No! If being painfully honest and telling it like it is, is being controversial or negative then thats the way to go. You might break a few egg along the way, might upset some overly sensitive people, but it works for comedians, it gets attention, it makes you visible and funny.

But do people really love you for it, or have you just attracted like-minded people into your life who feed off gossip and negativity, and now they’re feeding off you?

This personality description almost sounds cartoonish, entertaining to watch in a movie, but a nightmare if you had to live with someone like this. In reality, a negative persona is usually much more subtle and undermining - like a lead filling that releases toxins into your system in micro doses and warps you over time into a person you don’t want to be.

And therein lies the rub with a negative outlook, you are the one that suffers most. The exhaustion of

constant negative thoughts, and regrets when you express them at others before you can stop yourself.

Understanding what drives people on both ends of the positivity spectrum can be quite enlightening. In this edition, we will explore the key differences between positive and negative people—those who either light up a room or cast a shadow. And we will go through the five stages for going from a negative based personality to a positive, life-affirming personality.

Characteristics of Positive and Negative People

The characteristics of negativity and positivity go beyond mere mood; they shape how we experience the world and interact with those around us. Imagine stepping into a room filled with warmth and energy. That's the magic created by positive people, so what makes them tick?

I didn’t know whether to share the following joke/parable before starting this edition, but I will because it very effectively illustrates the extremes of an exaggerated positive and negative mindset:

A lawyer dies and meets St Peter at the gates of heaven. He tells her that because she has done exactly equal good and bad in her life, he will let her choose whether to spend eternity in heaven or hell.

'Okay' she agrees, 'so how will this work?'

'Simple, I will give you a glimpse of your favourite hobby in both heaven and hell, then you can choose. So what will it be?' St peter asks.

'Well, I do love cooking.' So off they go to the elevator and start descending to hell first, soon enough delicious food smells begin to fill the elevator as it comes to a stop and opens onto a large dining hall with long wooden tables. Along the centre of these tables are bowls of soup, and at the tables are people sat facing each other.

Back in the elevator and on the way up to heaven, St Peter asks, 'did you notice anything unusual?'

'Yes she said, all the people in the room were very silent, they seemed to glare at each other with deep mistrust. 'Oh! and they were so emaciated.'

'Yes they were,' said St Peter. 'Did you notice anything else?'

'Yes, I noticed something very strange about the cutlery, the spoons had very long handles which they couldn’t possibly get to their mouths.'

'Exactly right,' said St Peter as the elevator began to fill once more with delicious food smells.

The doors pinged open and she looked in eagerly to see how heaven would be different, but to her surprise, everything seemed to be exactly the same. The long wooden tables, the bowls of soup, and there again with those spoons with such long handles. There WAS once thing different about this place though, the people were happy and laughing together.

'I don’t get it,' said the lawyer, 'both have exactly the same food and everything, even down to those long-handled spoons, yet the atmospheres are so different. What am I missing?'

'The only difference said St Peter, is that in heaven the people have learned to feed each other.'

This joke is of course not intended to suggest that if you have a negative mindset you are selfish or self-centred, but what it does do is illustrate beautifully a mind made defensive and untrusting of those around it.

Gelotophobia is a fear of laughter, or more accurately, a fear that that laughter is about that person. I’ve experienced that in my younger years. Negativity and all its different manifestations is without too much doubt, a form of self harm and I’m keen to get to the five stages to a positively inspiring new persona now because the claustrophobia of remembering what it felt like is oppressing.

The feeling of always wanting to self-isolate but being desperate for company at the same time. The memory of an early girlfriend commenting that I always seemed mad at her. I wasn’t of course, I was always mad at myself for my inadequacies, but it illustrates how a negative, distrusting mindset can impact those around you.

I’ve always been attracted to people that inspire, make you feel a bit bigger by your mere association with them. A person that merely exudes confidence and being self-assured is inspiring, someone who will listen to you instead of just waiting their turn to talk is inspiring and attractive.

In 2019 Boris Johnson was elected Conservative Prime minister of the UK after a series of poor predecessors had led to Brexit and tanked the conservative party reputation. How did he do it when momentum and opinion poles were swinging towards Labour?

The difference for me was in the optimism and possibilities the two leaders inspired. Britains decline was already picking up speed but Boris laid out a vision that inspired, and gave people hope in a better future where Britain could once again be proud of itself, and prosper.

On the flip side, negative people can bring about a different vibe. Often, their outlook stems from ingrained habits and perceptions rather than conscious choice. While Boris Johnsons key strengths were the power of positivity and to inspire, Jeremy Corbin the opposition labour leader was seen as old school, and inextricably associated with trade unions who could cripple the economy with massive strikes at any time and bring the feel bad factor.

He also laid out a vision for the country that included massive spending, but coming from him it felt like he would just bankrupt the country instead of lift it up.

Think about someone who always anticipates the worst-case scenario. That's a classic pessimist. For these people, doubting outcomes becomes second nature. Negative expectations settle in their minds, casting shadows on even the brightest situations. It's not merely about having a bad day; it's about allowing negativity to take root as a habitual mindset.

When such pessimism clouds perspective, it leads to missed chances and creates drag to those nearest them.

Training your mind to instinctively exude positive thought patterns instead, bring the feel good factor to yourself, inspiring and building others up in your slipstream, after maybe a lifetime of negative forces have had free reign to shape your beliefs and personality, will take time and determination, and most of all, your desire to see them through. Beginning now.

The Five Transformational Stages to a Positive Persona

Stage 1. The Reboot - Changing your environment

We’ll kick off these five stages of a positively inspiring new persona with a difficult one, or at least, one that will take time. If you wake up in the morning and your heart sinks as the reality of your waking life floods back in. You rent the place you live, it’s run down, things don’t work, you can’t afford better.

It’s a dismal drizzly overcast cold day but you have to force yourself to get up early and pass more Off licences, betting shops, and fast food joints than any other kind of shop on your way to a low paying unsatisfying job where you feel invisible - and different.

If you have a friend in this dystopian reality, they’re probably losers who need someone to drink with, smoke a joint with, and complain about their life to. While your co-workers only know how to bad mouth the company and the boss, and gossip about others. Remember! You are the equal of the five people you hang out with most.

Deep down, you know you’re not meant for this life, you’re so much bigger and better than this, but you don’t exactly know what that feeling looks like or how to release it. So instead, you go to a bar after work, have some drinks to numb your brain from reality, then go home to bed. Where you wake up again in the early hours because the alcohol messes with your sleep patterns, and reality once again slides in.

It’s almost impossible to break a habit or addiction when you are surrounded by, and weighed down by reminders and triggers of what you want to escape from. And it’s also very easy for anybody to say, leave your job, move to a new place, make new friends. But even if you’re able to do this, if your mindset hasn’t also changed then you’ll just end up recreating your old life in the new place. You need three things to escape this cycle.

1. Inspiration. When you’re stuck in the kind of depressing cycle I’ve just described, and you don’t know how to get out of it, the only thing that will disrupt the pattern is something that captures your imagination and speaks to something deeper inside you. For me it was the discovery of a memory techniques program that changed everything and set me on a new path. I was actively looking for my inspiration and you must too.

2. Determination. A bottomless pit of it to keep you going once you’ve found a new path that will lead to new horizons.

3. Belief. Once the kind of life you want starts coming into focus, if you lack the belief you deserve it, or that its only for other people, then sadly that’s the way it will be.

Stage 2. The Reframe - Changing your mindset and focus.

Positive people have a remarkable knack for practicing gratitude. This focus enables them to shift their mindset from scarcity to abundance. Instead of dwelling on what they lack, they appreciate what they have. Gratitude isn't just a fleeting feeling for them—it's a daily ritual. Whether it be through journaling, or simply acknowledging the little moments of joy. Gratitude acts as their anchor, grounding them in positivity.

One of those revelatory mind-shift moments came to me one day in a property development seminar when the speaker asked what thoughts instinctively occur to you when you see a rich person. Someone living in a mansion, someone who drives around in a luxury sports car...

Are you jealous? Do you despise them? Do you think they’re compensating for something? Being show offs? That they had unfair advantages? They cheated and trampled on others to get what they’ve got? Their money is dirty and they’re probably tax dodging?

Then the speaker asked, if those are the thoughts you have about those who are, or already have what you want, how can you ever convince your mind that you deserve wealth and the good things in life when you’re asking it to become something you despise?

By the same principle, if you think positive people are faking it, they’re do-gooders, they want something in return, they’re only being positive because they have x, y, or z. then how can you become more like a person you so mistrust or look down on?

Whether you want health, wealth, happiness, to be a positive person people are attracted to, first celebrate those qualities when you see them in others. And yes, that means when someone drives past in a Lambo with a big grin on their face, mentally congratulate them on their success and leave it there 😊

Stage 3. The Frequency - Changing your internal dialogue

This one will be less like steering your car around a bend and more like steering a cruise liner. It will be a gradual change because internal dialogue comes from programmed responses that live in your subconscious. And because of that you will be using those negative responses without realising you’re doing it.

And its hard to stop doing something you’re not aware you’re doing until its too late - This includes thinking mean thoughts about others as well as putting yourself down.

It can be exhausting to have a constant stream of negativity passing through your mind, and when something happens like a moment of road rage, or someone unfairly taking their own frustrations out on you, triggering an emotional hijacking which floods your mind with negative thoughts. When this happens, remind yourself of whats actually happening –

someone is trying to unload their stress onto you.

It’s a selfish act, but it’s also all too human. To counter it become rubber and let it bounce back to them.

How do you do this?

An aspect of driving that’s always given me stress, until recently, is when your lane has to merge into another lane, and the cars in that other lane act like you’re queue jumping so try to block you from merging. When this happened again very recently and the inside lane driver, with much determination and righteous fury forced his car along the inside of mine and closed the gap on the car ahead to ensure I couldn’t merge ahead of him.

I suddenly burst out laughing at his childlike actions and thought to myself what an inadequate life he must have to become so enraged about defending the space in front of him. I knew he could probably see me laughing in his rear view mirror, so instead of him feeling like he had won some kind of battle and unloaded his frustration on to me, it came right back to him, and probably doubled his frustration.

Equally, if someone is unfairly chewing you out and venting their anger on you, instead of raising to their anger frequency and allowing their stress to transfer to you, stay on a calmer, more chilled out frequency where the stress cannot transfer and they will not get the release they seek at your expense.

Now how about the stress you give yourself? Have you ever caught yourself telling yourself that you’re stupid, an idiot etc? If this is happening then find a substitute word to use instead, and soon enough you’ll get into the habit of using it. I now often hear my wife telling herself how pretty she is 😊

Stage 4. The Rapport - Changing your energy profile

How does your energy compare to those around you? Or, if you work in a negative low energy environment, how does your energy compare to groups of strangers in a pub, in a café etc? Is there an engaged energy and spirit of people catching up, exchanging stories of the weeks events, talking animatedly about their news, gossip, plans, goals, dreams, passions etc.

And how does your baseline energy compare? Is it muted, your posture hunched, your eyes down, your voice lacking tone, your face missing a smile? Is your energy likely to raise up the group, blend in with the group, or bring the group down?

Dramatically uplifting your energy with those who know you will raise eyebrows and give instant fake vibes, and they would be right to think that. Or they may think you just won the lottery and want a slice of the pie, either way, you’re coming in hot and you won’t be able to sustain it, so aim for a simple 10% uplift in your energy instead.

...and when that becomes your baseline, add another 10%. That’s all it takes.

Let a slow smile spread across your face when you see someone you know, transmit to them you’re happy to see them instead of pretending you didn’t see them and looking away. Smile a genuine smile, laugh a genuine laugh when others do instead of being cool. This builds rapport and brings you into the ambiance. Be 10% more engaged, and when you speak, do so with 10% more excitement, animation, and tone.

Stage 5. The Transfer Stage – Positively charging others

This is all about the words you speak and the energy they transfer to others. Like bad reviews and lies that can travel the world before the truth gets its shoes on, its easier to spread low level negative vibes through complaining and gossip which makes up about 80% of most peoples conversation. Therefore, if you consciously start transmitting positive energy, it will be noticed more by others and will ignite a feelgood factor which they will associate with you.

Here’s two ways of doing it:

First – with an acknowledgement. When was the last time someone asked follow up questions after you’d just shared an anecdote, instead of launching into their own? When was the last time you truly felt heard? When it happens you notice because its not the 80% of standard conversation but maybe, at a stretch, the 8%. It’s not the norm to be explicitly acknowledged and validated.

Start with an agreement. When you agree with someone, instead of breezing on past it, nod and tell them so. This is a secret weapon of my daughter. When I say something she agrees with, she literally tells me so by saying, ‘I agree with you daddy.’ And the fact I can recall those simple words to mention here is proof in itself that an acknowledgement can be memorable, and create a positive feeling in another.

Second – give a positive reputation. This is a very simple, powerful thing to do. It’s the same as giving a compliment but with legs. You see, a normal compliment lives and dies in the moment, you tell someone they look good, they accept it, if they believe you, then they move on. A reputation compliment lives and continues to grow over time, if its done right. The ingredients for a reputation compliment are simply that it has to be roughly three quarters true, then the person will try to live up to the rest.

For example, I used to do driving assessments for a company with a national fleet of drivers with an average age of forty upwards. They were seasoned drivers with a bullet proof attitude and often drove with deliberate lack of due care to show me how much they cared about my presence. 

One went so far as to tailgate a milk float through London.

So it was very refreshing to have a younger driver who actually wanted to impress. He was nervous but he was clearly, being a good driver meant a lot to him.

I told him he displayed a natural driving talent and suggested he take it to the next level with advanced driving lessons. I could almost see him growing in stature as he took this in, and I knew without a doubt he would go on to live up to the reputation compliment.

It’s a powerful thing to do and it absolutely works. You can positively influence people with it. I’ve been given reputation compliments just a few times in my life, I can recall them and the people who gave them to me even when I can’t recall any other events for months either side, or people that were around at that time.

I will leave you with this final thought from the mind of Lao Tzu which I first heard in Margaret Thatcher, A.k.A The Iron Lady’s inaugural speech:

“Watch your thoughts for they become your words; watch your words for they become your actions; watch your actions for they become your habits; watch your habits for they become your character; watch your character for it becomes your destiny.”

Take care until next time, keep self developing, and spread the word about this podcast, I’ll be in your debt.