Feel The Fear And Do Amazing First Impressions Anyway

Unlocking The Secrets To Maling Amazing First Impressions

Meeting new people can be a bit like opening doors to unknown worlds. It's exciting, sometimes nerve-wracking, but it's an essential part of life. Whether you're starting a new job, networking, selling, attending a social event, or mingling at a party, making a great first impression and knocking it out of the park is a great confidence booster but its also not essential so long as you get it over the line. 

In this edition we will look at the whole eco system of first contact with another real live human being. The mental block, the approach and introduce, your opening line, your first impression, and how to do it much much better, because initiating conversations may just be the most important part of the whole socialising spectrum. After all, If you’re getting it wrong here, or avoiding doing it altogether, then nothing else has a chance of happening.

If you don’t plant a seed in the ground, vibrant flowers cannot grow from it. If there's no flowers then theres nothing for the bees to pollinate. If the bees can’t pollinate, there can be no honey, or indeed life itself. And despite how bleak the picture can sometimes look for the human race, and the way we treat each other, we still need each other. We all need someone to call our honey.

So how should I initiate my conversation with you today? Should I craft a whole introduction to hook your attention in hopes you will be intrigued enough to stay around for a longer conversation? Oh wait, I’m already doing that, after all, the first question that’s going to be on the mind of a person you’re approaching is going to be: ‘what does he/she want?’ 

The Invisible Mental Wall

As those of you that experience anxiety at the idea of approaching and initiating conversation with new people will know, and I’m guessing that’s everyone, it’s not that simple. It can feel like theres an invisible mental wall in the way right? Accompanied by the little voice in your head telling you not to do it, and giving you a shopping list of reasons (with diagrams) as to why not. 

‘You wont know what to say after the hello, and in about seven seconds they will see that you have

nothing going on’. Oh, and by the way, here’s some flashback of what happened last time.

That little inner voice can be really powerful right? So powerful in fact, it drowns out the other little voice that’s strenuously encouraging you to go for it.

The Power Of Inner Voices

You may have seen it in comedy movies where the main character has a charismatic and compelling little devil on one shoulder, whispering in their ear to do the naughty stuff, and an angel on the other shoulder trying to keep them out of trouble. But in the case of our two inner voices, the power dynamic of this little duo seems to have got reversed. The devilish voice is still the one telling you to go for it. but now it’s the angel with all the power of persuasion to keep you from doing it.

She still has your best interests at heart and genuinely wants to protect you from perhaps making a fool of yourself, while the devil knows that this is life and you’ve got to be in it to win it. There’s no good or bad concept attached to our two opposing inner voices, they’re both manifestations of your own brain looking out for your own interests, its just that their individual approaches tend to cancel each other out.

Overcoming Anxiety In Conversations

So how do we move beyond this never-ending little drama in our heads, and punch our way though the mental wall so we can begin initiating conversations like maestros, and put our worries for the rest of the conversation on ice?

This question is fairly generalised, so lets begin breaking it down until we get to a credible, usable answer.

A few minutes ago I suggested that everyone gets anxious about approaching and initiating conversations, and while that’s true, there’s a scale of anxiety, ranging from the intense anxiety, high end level that cripples our ability to take action, or even get close to the action without shaking from a fight or flight adrenaline overload, to the very low end where the anxiety voice is so quiet and relaxed that everyone gets a free pass to act on their impulses.

So a more helpful and specific question would be – ‘what is absent or present in the person that lives at the lower end of this anxiety scale, as opposed to the person living at the high end?’ Here’s my suggestion:

Self-Belief and Self-Image

A low anxiety person has an absence of fear, while having a presence of self-belief, and a good self-image.

That would mean, the higher up you are on the anxiety scale, the lower your self-image. So if you can rebuild your self-image, and by that I mean, to get to a point where you truly like yourself as a person both inside and out, you’re good at what you do, your inner voice has a positive encouraging vibe, you are worth it, as the advert says, then self-belief will follow. Do you agree? 

Question: which would make you feel more confident in an interview, wearing yesterdays grey trackies, or a suit that’s every bit as sharp as the interviewers? One places you beneath the status of the interviewer, makes you feel inferior, and leaves a poor impression, while the other makes you look and feel like equals.

Question: which would make you feel more confident in an interview, knowing nothing about the company and having no experience related to that companys industry, or going in having researched the company and knowing you are a good candidate for the job, and that they would be lucky to have you?

No need to answer, it’s obvious right? Initiating conversations with new people are not interviews, but a really good self-image and self-belief will crush the impostor syndrome, and completely transform how you perform, and the other persons first impression of you.

Addressing A Poor Self-Image

If you’ve identified that you have a poor self-image, you put yourself down and speak badly of yourself, then begin working on this today. For those of you that do have a good self-image, or are actively working to improve on it, you will have noticed that the mental barrier either doesn’t really exist for you, or that it can no longer contain you.

Self-belief is a powerful antidote for the fear, after all, what do most of our social fears revolve around? Making a bad impression? Saying the wrong thing and looking stupid or naive? Not knowing what to say? 

When you have a good self-image, like who you are, and believe you bring value, naturally you don’t worry about saying something the other person disagrees with, and being secure in yourself means you’ll be just fine if the other person doesn’t get an immediate glowing impression of you, that’s their problem, not yours.

...Unless you actually are in an interview!

Look! clearly, building a great self-image is not an overnight fix, there’s no instant hack, especially if you’re at the high end of the anxiety scale, and if you are there, its for a reason. Something pushed you there, bad experiences that etched themselves onto the inner wall of your mind and divided your inner world. But what brings you back down is finding reasons to like yourself then giving them a leading role in your life.

There’s an expression, no doubt you’ve heard it, and maybe even been told it at some time – pull yourself together. It’s another way of saying become self-congruent, or pull those divided parts of your personality back together and into agreement with itself. 

One prime example of that would be your little devil and angel, they want the same things for you, i.e. to be liked and respected, and to not be hurt, its just that they have opposite strategies for getting you there.

It’s so important to approach yourself first, like and be congruent with yourself, know yourself. When you’re at that point, hesitation and dithering is removed, and confident decision-making comes in for, among other things, approaching others and breaking the ice with them. 

All of this doesn’t mean now putting your life on hold for a year until you’re happy with your self-image, it's simply a direction to be moving in while you get on with life, go to work, climb the corporate ladder or even start your own business. Continue interacting, doing your hobbies, going to the movies…

Lessons From The Big Screen

Speaking of the movies, they have provided many moments of entertainment, showing an awkward male character trying to pull the female lead who is inevitably unimpressed or dismissive of their weak or lame openers and one liners. Or it may go the other way and the lead male speaks with such clear, clean eloquence that you’re left with a bereft feeling that this is the impossibly high bar you have to emulate in the real world in order to just get your foot in the door with a girl.

So just remind yourself from time to time that those blockbuster movies have a world class script writer behind it, and that the scenes were rehearsed and shot many times in order to strike those perfect romantic onscreen moments, complete with atmospheric music.

And if we can do that, forgive the movies for making us feel inadequate, and forgive our own imperfect clueless, sometimes cringing words when our moments arrive, then there are lessons to be learned from the movies that are NOT beyond our reach to emulate.

At the time of thinking about this subject for the podcast, a movie was newly released onto Netflix called ‘Love again’, and being a movie addict I stopped what I was doing and sat down to watch. For your viewing and listening pleasure I’m going to share a little clip, and share two valuable lessons that this movie, and many others have demonstrated, and that if you take to heart, will dramatically improve your first contact moments.

Lesson number 1. KISS. No not that kind of kiss, the keep it simple stupid kind. Theres some very good news you need to know about when it comes to making contact with someone for the first time, the magic is in the simplicity. Confidence radiates from simplicity in the absence of trying too hard. You might think that confidence comes from pushing the boundaries, saying something clever, edgy, or ironically cheesy, but the trying-too-hard vibe is what comes through instead. 

A clean and genuine observation that speaks the truth is all you need for that initial opener, for example: ‘Hi, I saw you from over there and thought you looked like someone I would like to talk to.’ Or if you’re at a wedding: ‘Their engagement lasted so long, I was beginning to think this day would never come.’ 

In our movie ‘Love again’, when the first contact moment comes, Rob, our main male lead, is standing at the bottom of some stairs at an opera when he sees Mira, the main female lead, walking down. She feels his attention on her and so begins their first contact moment. The full scene follows a formula of:

1. observation

2. question

3. insight.

We will join it for the first two because in isolation, they are really good examples of genuine uncomplicated interaction. There are no spoilers in this clip but feel free to skip if you do plan to see it - and I highly recommend you do.

So, Rob’s observation was that they both like comfortable footwear. It was a great icebreaker and they had a joke over it, then he moved on to an open question: ‘did you like the show?’ A perfect example of a relevant question that opens up a conversation rather than trying to impress.

It was only when they got to the insight moment when Rob shared his thoughts on the show, that movie scripting now took over, and spontaneous real world dialogue would have struggled to compete.

Being Self-Congruence

Lesson number 2. Have a thing. This goes back to what I was saying earlier about becoming self-congruent, finding those things to like about yourself, and allowing them to define you. In the movie, Rob loved music and it made up a big part of his personality, defining his job, how he enjoyed his spare time, and what he liked to talk about.

When Mira asked him what else he liked besides music, he didn’t hesitate to say basketball and when she asked why, he had a deep and insightful reason, which he expressed perfectly as though it was a life philosophy he followed every day.

Again, movie scripting takes the scene to a place where spontaneous real world dialogue would struggle to follow, but being self-congruent means asking the question of yourself first and knowing why you like what it is you like, or what drives you to do what you do, even if you can’t express it in such perfect movie terms.

To take a quote from another movie ‘We bought a zoo,’ Encouraging his son to approach and talk to a girl, Matt Damons character says: ‘All it takes is twenty-one seconds of insane courage,’ that’s not a lot when you count up all the seconds that comprise your life.

Summary Of Key Points

In order to supercharge your first contact moments and first impressions with others:

First, work towards being a person you like. Define your passions, understand your drivers. Why do you like what you like. What’s your origin story? How did that passion begin? What value do you think it adds to you and others? If you feel like you have little going on, you lack experiences and passions, interrogate your past and find the dormant interests, they will be there. Go out and start collecting new experiences, even if you’re alone at first.

Second, and very much linked to the first, have a thing. In the movie, Robs thing was music, Miras thing when socialising was to ask ‘would you rather’ questions such as 'would you rather have silent but uncontrollable gas for your entire life, or loud uncontrollable sneezing.' And of course, when Rob asks her why, she is always asking ‘would you rather’ questions she is ready and prepared with a specific reason.

Third, if you’re going to approach someone for whatever reason, and in whatever context, do it with confidence. This means having a purpose for the interaction and not getting ahead of yourself with overthinking. Take Mel Robbins advice if you like, count down from five to one and get yourself moving. Look good and straighten your posture as you do, these are easy wins. And if the other person looks at you, don’t look away.

Fourth, know what your superficial commonalities are that you can gain a quick connection with. Wherever you are, there will be a common link that brought you both there such as at a wedding. Attending an evening class at a local uni. At a dinner table on a cruise ship and so on. Make an observation, follow up with an open question, and be self-congruent enough to have insights.

Fifth, remember the magic lies in the simplicity. Your observations, questions, insights, opinions can be designed to try and impress another person or they can be designed to simply move a conversation. Others can sense when you’re trying too hard and they may forgive it in the beginning if you have other qualities, but in reality you’re broadcasting a lack of confidence. 

Finally, don’t confuse a lack of confidence for nerves. In our movie clip, Rob displayed some superficial nerves and stumbled over a few of his words, but he still projected confidence because he had a good self-image and knew that he had value.

Thanks for reading, and don’t forget, you can also now listen or watch 'Feel the fear and do great first impressions anyway,' as a video podcast. Take care and until next time, keep self-developing. By the way, what would you choose, silent uncontrollable gas, or loud uncontrollable sneezing?